In every relationship, whether it’s a romantic partnership, family bond, friendship, or a professional collaboration, values play a fundamental role. Your values shape how you perceive the world, what you prioritize, and how you interact with others. They are the guiding principles that influence your behaviours, decisions, and overall compatibility with those around you. Understanding and aligning with your values in relationships can have a profound impact on the quality and longevity, and fulfilment you derive. Stay tuned for an easy 5 step process to start identifying and embodying your values within relationships. And… for a more in-depth look at somatic therapy, check-out my blog post “What is Somatic Therapy? Benefits, Techniques, & Finding a Somatic Therapist In Toronto.
Have you ever had a split decision to make and felt pressured in the moment to act? Maybe you said or did something in a conversation, then left the interaction feeling uncomfortable. You know that anxious agitated feeling you get in your stomach? You catch yourself replaying the event over and over again and beating yourself up. As a therapist, many of my clients have a difficult time connecting with their values within relationships, because their lived experiences have taught them not to trust themselves. The demands you may have faced growing up to succeed and please others can make it hard to figure out what it is you truly need.
When we fail to actively reflect on our values, we often make decisions that just don’t quite feel right! We get stuck on autopilot, and our relationships can start to feel more life-sucking that life-giving. Engaging in a values exercise can be a transformative process that sheds light on your true self, and empowers you to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. This can reduce social anxiety, and help you reconnect with a sense of purpose and meaning in your relationships.
First, let’s explore how your values affect your relationships, then stay tuned for a 5-step somatic (embodied) value exercise you can use to identify and live into your values today.
How do your values impact your relationships?
Identifying and clarifying our values provides numerous benefits to your relationships. When you are aware of your values, you can align our actions, goals, and relationships accordingly. Knowing your values helps to have difficult conversations and ensure you are both aligned as you move forward. Clarifying your values can help with the following areas of life.
Direction and Purpose
Values give us a sense of direction and purpose. They act as a blueprint for our decisions, guiding us toward choices that resonate with our core beliefs. However, if you aren’t clear on what your values are, you may make decisions that keep you out of connection with your loved ones. For example, perhaps you value connection and family, but you also value success. Before long, you may feel like you are crushed between the demands of your family life, and the demands of work. Sitting down and prioritizing your values helps you see where certain areas of your life are misaligned with your sense of direction and purpose. This can jump start the process of finding creative solutions. If one of your core values is family, and this has been a value that you aren’t upholding, you might begin to think about a shift – choosing an alternative career path that allows us you to have a reasonable work-life balance where you can spend lots of time with your partner, parents, or children.
Alignment with your values can bring direction and purpose not just for yourself, but your relationships as a whole. For example, if you don’t know what it is you value, years can go by until you realize that you and your partner are misaligned in your marriage or romantic relationship. You might discover that the relationship has slowly morphed into something you no longer recognize, and it becomes hard to situate where your needs fit in. Knowing your values can help revive a relationship and bring honest and open conversations so that you and your partner feel aligned on the direction of your relationship.
Decision Making
A related point is that your values can serve as a decision-making framework. When faced with choices or dilemmas, you can evaluate them based on whether they align with your values. This helps you make decisions that are in harmony with your authentic selves, reducing confusion and regret. For example, when I was deciding to leave my career as a lawyer to complete my graduate studies in spiritual care and psychotherapy, I had to take a real hard look at what I valued. Sure, being a lawyer was providing me with the financial stability to have independence, which is an important value to me. However, I wanted new ways of exploring my values of compassion, empathy, and wisdom.
Our values also act as a filter for prioritization. Do you know the feeling of being stressed out, overwhelmed, and feeling like you’re always running out of time? When your values aren’t top of mind, you can very easily get sucked into people pleasing – saying ‘yes’ to way too many demands, and eventually feel upset at the world for constantly asking more of you.
Knowing your values helps prioritize what’s important to you, and allocate your time, energy, and resources to what truly matters. By identifying your core values, you can gain clarity on what deserves your attention and what can be let go, and begin to set more boundaries that protect your needs. This enables you to focus on activities and relationships that bring you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of accomplishment. When you’re joyful and fulfilled as a result of prioritizing yourself, the energy and availability you have in relationships increases, and connection to others no longer feels like a drain on your independence, autonomy, and vitality.
Showing up Authentically
Engaging in a values exercise deepens your self-awareness. It prompts you to reflect on your beliefs, desires, and what truly matters to you. This self-reflection enhances your understanding of yourself, leading to greater authenticity. When you are forced to show up in relationships wearing a mask, those relationships begin to feel exhausting. This can lead to moral distress, and create a breeding ground for shame, resentment, and anger. You might feel like social interactions leave you drained, or put you in positions where you have to say or do things that aren’t aligned with who you really are. When your actions and choices align with your values, this frees up more energy, and helps you feel more genuine, confident, and at peace with yourself.
Setting Boundaries and Making Requests
Values play a vital role in our ability to ask for what we need, and set boundaries in relationships. When you understand your values, you can seek out individuals who are supportive of those values. Sure, not all of your friends have to be the same – diversity and variety are the spice of life! However, your relationships do have to be supportive of your values. If they aren’t, this can lead to a dangerous people pleasing cycle where you attempt to get your needs met by constantly tending to the other person’s needs, in hopes that they will take notice and do the same for you. This leaves you feeling used, angry, resentful, and unhappy, and eventually results in conflict, separation, and animosity.
In contrast, knowing your values allows you to set clear and effective boundaries. It allows you to ask for what you need, because you know how important those needs are and how they relate to your values. For example, if having autonomy is an important value, yet you find yourself constantly catering to your partner, boss, parents, and friends, your value for autonomy is not being respected. The result is that you end up feeling depleted and withdraw from everyone, only to emerge weeks or months later and enter into the same cycle. Beginning to get curious about your values before you hit the breaking point can help you initiative clear and honest conversations, which can foster relationships where everyone’s values are respected.
Now that you understand the importance of your values, let’s explore how exactly you can get to know what it is you truly value.
5 Steps to Know Your Values
Identifying your values can be an exhilarating process of self-discovery and introspection. In my own work as a qualifying registered psychotherapist, I like to use a somatic (embodied) approach to identifying values. What this means is that I work with clients to help them feel into how their body responds to different values.Here is an embodied exercise you can do right now to begin to identify your values:
1. Quiet Self-Reflection
Take a moment to find a quiet and comfortable space where you can focus without distractions. Take a few deep breaths to centre yourself and bring your attention to the present moment
Begin by considering different areas of your life, such as relationships, career, health, personal growth, or community involvement. Think about any values that are important to you in each area. For example, in your relationships, you may value love, trust, or communication. Jot those down. As you reflect on these areas of life, ask yourself the following questions:
- What brings me joy and fulfillment, either now, or in the past?
- What principles do I consider non-negotiable?
- Which aspects of my life do I prioritize the most?
- What actions or behaviours align with my authentic self?
- What stands out as the happiest time of my life? What decisions, actions, and people contributed to that happiness?
- Reflect on significant choices you’ve made in the past and analyze the values that influenced those decisions. Did any patterns or themes emerge? This can provide valuable insights into your core values and help you understand what truly guides your decision-making process.
Take a moment to pause and jot down, journal, or draw any imagery, thoughts, or ideas that come to mind. Don’t worry about being perfect or having a complete list – we’ll begin to refine this more! Just note whatever resonates with you.
2. Building Your List of Values
Great, now it’s time to consider what values deeply resonate with your identity and the kind of person you aspire to be. Below you can find a list of value words to help you make this process easier. I encourage you to highlight or circle the first ones that jump out at you from this list. To get out of the thinking brain and into the intuitive part of your mind, give yourself no more than 3 minutes to scan through this list. Don’t try to think about whether the value aligns with you, but just circle the first ones you feel yourself drawn to.
Once you’ve finished highlighting all the values that stand out, here comes the harder part. Narrow this list down to the top 5-10 values that resonate with you the most. Pay attention to which 5-10 words really light you up when you read over them. As you review your highlighted list, notice which values evoke imagery, a flood of memories, strong sensations in the body, or an “aha” moment.
3. Tuning Into Your Bodily Response
Now that you have your list of 5-10 values, take a moment to re-connect with your body. Close your eyes if you’re comfortable or simply direct your attention inward.
Notice any physical sensations or emotions that arise as you think about each value on your list. Pay attention to how your body responds. Does a particular value make you feel light and energized? Or does it create tension or discomfort?
Explore the physical sensations associated with each value. You can do this by focusing on one value at a time and bringing your attention to the corresponding body part. For example, if one of your values is adventure, you may notice a sense of excitement in your chest or butterflies in your stomach. Or if a value is stability but your life has felt chaotic and unpredictable lately, notice how that feels. Does any tension arise in your shoulders or neck? Do you start to feel anxious and uncomfortable in your body? These somatic sensations can help you experience which values you might not be living in alignment with at the moment.
Reflect on the sensations you experience in your body as you connect with each value. Notice which values align with a sense of expansion, openness, or ease, and which values feel constricting or challenging.
Some people have a difficult time reconnecting with their bodies, especially if most of their day is spent doing highly analytical or cognitive tasks. If this sounds like you, take a break. Put your 5-10 values aside, and take a moment to do an activity that reconnects you to the physical sensations in your body. This can include walking, taking a warm or cold shower, yoga, exercise, dance, or any form of movement without distractions. You may notice as you reconnect with your body, thoughts and sensations associated with your selected value words come up spontaneously without you trying to think about it.
Once you’ve spent time connecting to your physical sensations associated with each value word, it’s time for the next step!
4. Prioritize Your Values
Based on your reflections and bodily sensations, prioritize your values by identifying the ones that truly resonate with you on a deep level. These are the ones that really evoke an emotional and physical response in you. You may find that certain values are more important to you than others. That’s okay, as everyone’s values are unique.
Once you have identified your core values, consider how you can align your daily choices, actions, and behaviours with those values. Reflect on which values you want to embody more, and which areas of your life you might be able to live into those values more. Notice how your body reacts when you start to imagine a life grounded in those values. For example, do you feel tense and angry when you think about the value of compassion, because you want to be more compassionate but just can’t get over something that irritating person said to you? This might be an area to begin journalling about, meditating on, or to seek additional support.
5. Experiment and Reflect
Try living your life in alignment with your identified values for a period of time. Observe how it feels and assess the impact it has on your well-being and overall satisfaction. Adjust and refine your values as needed based on your experiences and reflections. Engage in conversations with trusted friends, family members, or mentors who know you well. Ask for their perspectives on what values they see in you. Sometimes, others can offer insights and observations that we may have overlooked about ourselves.
Remember, values are deeply personal, and they may evolve and change over time as we grow and gain new experiences. Revisit your values periodically to ensure they continue to reflect your authentic self.
In conclusion, engaging in a values exercise is a powerful tool for self-discovery, personal growth, and decision-making. By understanding our values, we gain clarity, direction, and authenticity in our lives. So take the time to explore your values, embrace what truly matters to you, and let your values guide you toward a more fulfilling and purposeful life.
Want help living the life you value?
Thinking about what you really value can be hard – especially when another person is involved. If you want help reconnecting with your values, I’m here to support you. Working with a mental health professional can help you get back to valuing your passions, and help you experience freedom without compromising on connection. Schedule a no-commitment consultation call today. You deserve to live the life you value.
