In an era dominated by Instagram influencers, TikTok wellness gurus, and shelves overflowing with self-help advice, there’s no reason you should feel anxious and stressed, right?
After all, the answers are seemingly everywhere: You’ve read countless self-help books, watched endless videos on the importance of hydration, healthy eating, rest, relaxation, breaks, getting time in nature, exercising, and even early morning sunlight exposure.
Oh, and don’t forget the strict rule of limiting screen time two hours before bedtime and sleeping in pitch darkness.
The list goes on. And you’re doing it all.
So obviously there’s absolutely no reason you should be stressed out and anxious still, right?
Yet here you are, so the one conclusion can only be that there is something wrong with you.
But is that really true?
Self-regulation: One Small Piece of the Puzzle
In our modern, hyper-individualistic Western society, we’ve spent decades distancing ourselves from the importance of community in our well-being. We’ve taken a species that, throughout its history, thrived in groups and communities, and placed it within the confines of a relentless capitalist experiment.
Unfortunately, our biology hasn’t evolved to adapt to this new environment. We were never designed to withstand these conditions.
Just as we are the products of this system, we’re also its producers – and that includes social media and wellness books. Many of these sources would have you believe that you should have complete control over your own happiness and well-being, regardless of the sh*t going on around us. But our biology begs to differ. As human beings, we’re inherently social creatures.
Our nervous systems are wired to co-regulate with other humans. At an unconscious level, our senses continuously scan our environment to gauge our safety. When we perceive cues of safety, such as a warm smile, the gentle rustling of leaves in the wind, or even the subtle signs of calm and relaxation in those around us, our bodies and minds conclude that the world is safe and we can relax.
What happens when the world isn’t safe? What happens when everyone else around you is stressed out too? You’re met with cold or neutral stares from overworked stressed out colleagues at work who are also placed under unreasonable demands. Naturally, you numb by seeking solace in your phone (that little drug that was designed to be biologically addictive), only to be bombarded with images of war, violence, and oppression, reinforcing the notion that you’re not safe. You attempt to reach out to a loved one for support, but their terse response hints at their own emotional exhaustion. So you suppress your emotions and work even harder, believing that if you keep pushing, that elusive island of rest and relaxation will eventually appear.
Amidst it all, your to-do list of self-care items grows longer, and you become increasingly ashamed that you can’t have your sh*t together like everyone else around you.
“If we could begin to see much illness itself not as a cruel twist of fate or some nefarious mystery but rather as an expected and therefore normal consequence of abnormal, unnatural circumstances, it would have revolutionary implications for how we approach everything health related.”
Dr. Gabor Maté, “The Myth of Normal”
In my work with highly stressed, high-performing adults, I’ve encountered this scenario all too often.
When we buy into the narrative that we should be entirely self-sufficient, we ignore our intrinsic biological need for co-regulation – which is our nervous system’s capacity to recognize safety based on environmental and social cues, thereby bringing us back to a state of connection.
Self-regulation is just one small piece of the puzzle. The quality of our emotional relationships, political stability, access to social support, communal practices, ancestral heritage, and connections with other regulated and thriving adults all influence our ability to experience calm, happiness, and good health.
These are the building blocks of co-regulation.
So the next time you’re overwhelmed by anxiety, remember that it’s not your fault: Anxiety is a natural consequence of systems, ideologies, and narratives that make us feel anything but safe.
Acknowledge that your body is merely doing what it was designed to do – alerting you that your current environment isn’t conducive to well-being.
This dose of self-compassion won’t instantly fix the systemic issues, but it’s a logical starting point when the world seems to be in turmoil.
